A Spoken Word on Hurt and Forgiveness
When someone wrongs us deeply, the pain can feel unbearable. Perhaps you can relate to this man’s words about being hurt and wrestling with God to forgive your offender. We may struggle with anger, bitterness, and a desire for revenge. But as followers of Christ, we’re called to a higher standard – one of forgiveness and grace. Forgiving others glorifies God, but it is also for our good.
Why is Unforgiveness Dangerous?
Once, after tubing down a river with my family, I noticed a redness and swelling in my elbow. Along with the discoloration and swelling, I experienced a growing soreness and tenderness in the elbow. As the red spot expanded over several days, I decided that having my primary care doctor check it out would be best.
I am thankful that I had my doctor look at my elbow because I had received a bacterial infection from something in the river. He said the infection was severe because it was in my elbow, but it was still on the surface. It was critical to treat it before it penetrated my muscles, tissues, and bones. I was prescribed an antibiotic and instructed to trace the redness’s outer limits daily to ensure it was beginning to shrink and not expand. Thankfully, the antibiotics worked and the bacterial infection was eradicated.
When someone wrongs us, we are presented with the decision to forgive them sooner rather than later, just like I was able to seek treatment for my infection or delay seeking help. Our refusal to forgive or delay is dangerous, just like refusing or delaying treatment for a sickness or infection we have.
Unforgiveness creates several dangerous situations in our lives:
- It imprisons us in the past, consuming our thoughts and emotions.
- It breeds bitterness, corrupting our relationships and walk with Christ and others.
- It represents direct disobedience to God’s command to forgive others.
- It hinders our relationship with God, as He won’t forgive us if we refuse to forgive others.
What Makes Someone Ready to Forgive?
When coaching my son’s baseball team, the other coaches and I remind the boys to be ready to field the ball before the pitcher throws it. Every player must be on his toes (not flat-footed), knees bent, eyes on the ball, and glove down. This position gives them the best opportunity to make a play on the ball if it is hit in their direction.
Just as baseball players must be “game-ready” before the pitch, Christians must position themselves to be ready to forgive before wrongs occur. Being positioned to forgive helps them love God and others by forgiving their offenders just as God in Christ has forgiven them (Ephesians 4:32; 5:1).
The ability to forgive begins before we are ever presented with an opportunity or reason to forgive someone, just like being able to make a play on the ball in baseball begins before the ball leaves the pitcher’s hand. In the introduction of Paul’s letter to Philemon, we see the key characteristics of a person positioned to forgive. As we explore these characteristics of someone positioned to forgive others, ask yourself if each can be said of you.
1. They Have Experienced God’s Forgiveness, They Know What It Is Like To Be Forgiven When They Don’t Deserve It (Philemon 1:1-3)
In verse three, Paul subtly reminds Philemon of a few truths about himself. The first of these reminders pertains to Philemon’s relationship with God. He can call God his Father because he has been adopted into His family (Ephesians 1:3-5). This adoption is made possible through faith in Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:6-8). True belief in Jesus manifests itself in calling on His name for salvation (Romans 10:9-11) and genuine salvation is demonstrated by walking as Jesus, our Lord, walked (1 John 2:6). We are given assurance of our salvation because the Holy Spirit takes up residence in our lives and enables us to call God, Abba Father (Romans 8:15-16).
This peace Philemon enjoyed with the God of the universe was because of God’s grace and his through faith in Jesus. He was forgiven by God through Jesus’ person and work on his behalf. Philemon knew what it was to be forgiven of a debt he could not repay. The Apostle reminded his friend of God’s grace that put him at peace with the Holy God, whose commands he had broken.
Why? Since God had undeservedly forgiven Philemon, he ought to forgive his brother in Christ, Onesimus. Those forgiven by God through Christ are best equipped to extend forgiveness to others. Understanding the depth of God’s grace toward us enables us to show that same grace to others.
2. They Desire to Glorify Christ (Philemon 1:4-5)
In verses four and five, we see the second characteristic of those positioned to forgive. Paul tells Philemon that he thanks God for him when he prays for him. Why does Paul thank God for Philemon? The Apostle thanks the Father for his friend because his faith in Christ and his love for believers are evident (Matthew 5:16). Philemon had such a passion for God and His people that the news of his actions spread.
This description of Philemon tells me he was a man bent on bringing glory to God at all costs. When we want Christ magnified through our lives, we’ll grant forgiveness because we want to represent Him well and demonstrate His character to others by imitating Him (Ephesians 5:1).
3. They Love All of God’s People (Philemon 1:5)
Those who genuinely love fellow believers are positioned to forgive because forgiveness is an act of love that restores broken relationships. Philemon loved all God’s people. We could easily overlook the word all. Yet it is something to take note of. Philemon loved all believers regardless of whether they were a man or woman, Ja ew or Gentile, slave or free. Again, Philemon tried to honor Yahweh by treating others as He treated them (Matthew 5:46-48). Paul reminds Philemon of who he is in Christ, one who loves God’s people. He will challenge him in this letter to continue loving all God’s people by granting forgiveness to Onesimus, who has wronged him.
4. They Want to Grow Spiritually (Philemon 1:6)
People eager to deepen their relationship with Christ see opportunities to forgive as chances to experience God’s grace in new ways. We cannot build muscle or become healthy if we read or watch videos on healthy eating habits and exercises. We can read books, watch videos, or listen to podcasts on what lives in the ocean, how tides work, and how refreshing it is. However, we cannot experience the benefits of eating right and exercising without changing our eating habits and exercising. We can know a lot about the ocean, but there are things we cannot know about the sea without personally immersing ourselves in its waves and tasting its salt in our mouths.
If Philemon were alive today, he could write a book, record a podcast, or create a video about forgiving others. However, until someone hurts us and we find ourselves in the position to forgive, we will learn things about God and His forgiving of us as we wrestle with our emotions and thoughts leading up to the decision and action of granting forgiveness to our offender that we could not learn without the painful experience.
I do not doubt that Philemon had an excellent knowledge of God’s forgiveness, mercy, and grace, which God had demonstrated to him. He knew of Jesus’ teaching to forgive others, just as the Father had forgiven him, too. Yet, the LORD was about to move Philemon from a mere head knowledge about forgiveness to a refining and experiential knowledge of God’s forgiveness of rebellious sinners.
Being hurt by someone allows us to refine our lives. We cannot forgive others as the Father has forgiven us unless we have a reason to forgive them in the first place.
5. They Are Kind and Encouragering (Philemon 1:7)
Paul describes his friend as kind, and his kindness refreshed the hearts of his brothers and sisters in Christ. Kindness is an aspect of the fruit of the Spirit, a characteristic that He produces in the lives of believers. In verse eight, Paul will ask Philemon to encourage and refresh the heart of a certain brother in Christ, Onesimus, by forgiving him.
Whether Philemon forgives Onesimus or not remains to be seen at this point in the letter. However, those who regularly encourage and are kind to others are ready to grant forgiveness because they understand how it refreshes and uplifts those who receive it. They find joy in removing the weight of shame and guilt a repentant brother or sister in Christ feels about a wrong they have committed towards them by forgiving their fellow believer.
Life Application
Take time to evaluate your “forgiveness readiness”:
- Have you fully received and experienced God’s forgiveness in your own life? If not, will you? Watch this video to know how you, too, can receive the forgiveness of God for your sins.
- Is there someone you need to forgive? Write down their name and commit to taking steps toward forgiveness.
- Are you cultivating the characteristics that position you to forgive others?
Questions to consider:
- What past hurts am I still holding onto that require forgiveness?
- How has my unforgiveness affected my relationship with God and others?
- Which of the characteristics of forgiveness readiness do I need to develop more fully?
Remember, the ability to forgive starts before the wrong is ever committed. Position yourself now to extend grace when others fail you.
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