An Uncomfortable Conversation
Steph (my wife) and I were riding in the car when she asked a question that caught me off guard. Almost instantly, I felt embarrassment and shame rise up in my body—my face got warm, and I could feel the clammy tension that comes when you know you’ve been exposed.
“I was listening to a radio show this morning,” she said, “and they said that 7 out of 10 men struggle with pornography. Do you?”
“Uhm… no,” I answered—trying to sound calm and convincing.
But the Holy Spirit called me out for lying almost immediately (if I’m honest, probably before I even finished speaking—maybe even while I was deciding what to say).
I had struggled with sexual lust like most guys since puberty. Over the years, I had seen God purify this area of my life more and more… but I had recently stumbled again. And what made it worse was how I handled it. I justified my sin, and I even twisted Scripture in my thinking (2 Peter 3:16) the last time I gave in.
I asked for forgiveness, but then my thoughts went somewhere ugly: Doesn’t the Bible say it’s worse for those who cause God’s children to stumble? (Matthew 18:6–7). I blamed women in my mind. I essentially told God, “If they didn’t do what they do, I wouldn’t have done what I just did.”
I had rarely acted so arrogantly toward my holy God—using Scripture to excuse my rebellion.
“What would you have said?”
When my wife asked that question, what would you have said if you were me?
I love my wife. I find her beautiful. She’s my best friend. At that point, she knew almost everything about me—the good, the bad, and the ugly… except this one shameful struggle.
And all the fear hit me at once:
- “God, I can’t be that transparent.”
- “It will hurt her deeply.”
- “She’ll think she isn’t enough.”
- “What will she think of me… I’m her husband, and I’m also her pastor.”
- “What if she leaves me?”
So I sealed that part of my life off. I hid it from the one who loved me most. And I also kept it from any close brother in Christ.
That sin stayed in the dark, damp recesses of my soul—hidden from everyone but One. And He loved me enough not to let it remain hidden.
Steph didn’t push further after my answer. The awkward silence eventually gave way to normal conversation—errands, the kids, life. But even though she didn’t stir the waters, the Holy Spirit did. Conviction kept pressing in: You lied to your bride.
I don’t remember if it was that day, or the next, or a few days later. But one afternoon in the kitchen, I told her the truth: I had lied. I had struggled with pornography from time to time.
Was she happy? No. My honesty wounded her, as you would expect. But she was also relieved.
Why she was relieved
If you know my wife, you know God has given her discernment. More than once, I’ve watched the Holy Spirit reveal things to her that were later confirmed to be true. She’ll tell you: it’s a vital gift, but not always an enjoyable one.
Some people have gifts like service and mercy—they bake cakes and encourage people. But people with discernment often bear the heavier burden of seeing what’s hidden so that sin can be confronted, people can be protected, and prayer can be specific.
Steph told me she knew I had lied. The Holy Spirit had revealed it to her. And that radio segment was the very thing God used to prompt her question. As painful as it was for both of us, she asked out of love—for God and for me. She wasn’t trying to shame me. She was trying to protect and purify.
And as I share that, I can’t help but think of David—and the chain of events that led him to write Psalm 51.
What Is Biblical Confession?
Biblical confession is honestly agreeing with God about our sin, naming it without excuse, and bringing it before Him in humility. True confession involves both acknowledging our wrongdoing and turning toward God for cleansing, forgiveness, and restored fellowship (1 John 1:9).
Psalm 51 provides one of Scripture’s clearest pictures of confession. After being confronted with his sin, David did not hide, justify, or minimize his guilt — he brought it into the light and sought God’s mercy.
In short: Confession is not about managing appearances. It is about surrendering our sin to a gracious God who restores repentant hearts.
What Does Psalm 51 Teach Us About Confession?
David’s Sin and the Psalm of Confession (Psalm 51)
David looked out over his kingdom and saw Bathsheba bathing—something common in that culture. He saw she was beautiful, and he lusted. He gave in and sent for her, even though she was the wife of Uriah.
After satisfying his desire, he sent her home. Then the message came: she was pregnant.
David knew what he had done was wrong. He had sinned against God, against Bathsheba, and against Uriah. But instead of coming clean, he tried to cover it up.
Plan A: Hide the sin
David brought Uriah home from the battlefield and tried to get him to go home and sleep with Bathsheba. If Uriah did, the pregnancy could be explained. David’s reputation might remain intact.
But Uriah refused. He would not enjoy the comforts of home while his men were still in danger.
Plan B: Remove the evidence
So David devised a darker plan.
He wrote a letter and had Uriah carry it to the commander—his own death warrant. David instructed that Uriah be placed on the front lines in the fiercest fighting, and then abandoned there so he would be killed.
And it worked.
Uriah died.
David took Bathsheba as his wife. And I can imagine David thought it was over—concealed, managed, and buried.
But like all of us, David underestimated this truth:
Sin never stays hidden forever—especially in the life of God’s child.
Since Genesis 3, humanity has tried to hide sin, justify sin, and blame others for sin. We all do it.
But because David belonged to God, God would not let him continue uncorrected.
Nathan Confronts David (2 Samuel 12)
In 2 Samuel 12, Nathan confronts David with a story designed to awaken David’s moral judgment. David condemns the man in the story—without realizing he’s condemning himself.
Then Nathan says the words David never expected:
“You are the man.”
God had seen the adultery. God had seen the cover-up. God had seen the murder.
And David’s response is recorded in 2 Samuel 12:13:
“Then David confessed to Nathan, ‘I have sinned against the LORD.’”
That single sentence shows us two key elements of confession that believers must practice if we want cleansing, healing, and transformed living:
- Public confession (confession to another)
- Private confession (confession to God)
Public Confession: Bringing Sin Into the Light
David confessed to Nathan. He didn’t deny it. He didn’t justify it. He didn’t hide it. He agreed with the truth and admitted the sin.
Most of the time, we won’t have someone like Nathan calling out our hidden sins. But we do need safe, trusted believers who can help us live in the light.
The antidote to hypocrisy is remembering we are all sinners in need of grace—even after salvation (1 John 2:1). The church is a fellowship of forgiven rebels who are being transformed. That leaves no room for arrogance or pretending.
Public confession helps us stop acting like we have it all together. It frees us from the prison of image-management. It invites healing (James 5:16).
How do you begin this discipline?
- Pray and ask God to show you a trusted believer.
- Same-gender wisdom: men with men, women with women.
- Look for someone who is spiritually mature, discreet, and able to call sin “sin” with love.
- Ask them plainly: “Would you help me grow by praying for me and holding me accountable?”
- Then build regular rhythms of honesty—conversation, prayer, check-ins.
Richard Foster gives practical advice in Celebration of Discipline: spend time praying through different stages of your life, ask God to bring things to mind, write them down, then share them with a trusted friend. If speaking is hard, let them ask questions—down to simple yes/no questions if needed—until truth comes into the light.
Private Confession: Coming Honestly Before God
David didn’t only confess to Nathan. He confessed first and foremost to God.
If you’d like a clearer understanding of what Scripture means by confession, you may find it helpful to read What Is Biblical Confession? A Clear Definition and Biblical Guide, where we explore why agreeing with God about our sin is essential for spiritual healing, restored fellowship, and lasting transformation.
Psalm 51 is David’s prayer of private confession—his coming clean before the Lord about the sins Nathan exposed.
And here’s the promise believers cling to:
“But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.” (1 John 1:9)
Private confession is necessary if we are to experience cleansing (Psalm 51:1–2, 7), forgiveness (51:14), joy (51:8, 12), transformation (51:10, 13–15, 17, 19), restored fellowship and worship (51:16–17), and peace (51:3).
Public confession is often necessary for freedom from shame and bondage (James 5:16).
If you’re finding that confession opens your heart to God’s forgiveness but you still wrestle with guilt or the joy of restored fellowship, you may find it helpful to read our study on Psalm 32: The Joy of Forgiveness and the Path of Repentance. Psalm 32 offers a powerful picture of how God’s mercy brings freedom and rejoicing when we agree with Him about our sin.
What Does Psalm 51 Teach Us About Confession? Four Helps for Practicing Private Confession
1) Be specific
It’s easy to say, “God, forgive me for being bad today.”
But confession grows deeper when we name the sin plainly:
“Lord, I spoke harshly to ______.”
“I entertained sinful thoughts about ______.”
“I gave in to ______.”
“Forgive me. Help me change.”
David was specific—even naming bloodguilt (51:14).
2) Be sorry
Not wallowing. Not self-hatred.
But godly sorrow—because sin grieves the Father.
David says God welcomes a broken and contrite heart (51:17).
3) Be determined to turn
Genuine confession involves repentance. Repentance is a change of direction because the mind has changed. When we confess, we agree with God that it is sin—and the Spirit gives us a desire not to keep living there.
But we must depend on God’s strength for growth and victory (Psalm 51:9–13).
Because confession naturally leads to repentance, you may also want to explore What Is True Repentance? How It Differs from Regret, where we unpack the kind of Spirit-led turning that produces lasting transformation.
4) End in joy
David’s confession ends with restored joy—God’s salvation renewed in him (51:8, 12, 14).
And even God’s discipline, while painful, is proof of His love.
Hebrews 12 reminds us:
- God disciplines those He loves (12:5–6)
- discipline is painful in the moment (12:11)
- but it produces righteousness and peace in those trained by it (12:11)
From personal experience, I can say those verses are true. God exposing my sin was not fun. It was painful. Consequences remained. But God used that painful kindness to produce peace and more faithful living.
Discipline often begins with conviction. Conviction should lead to godly sorrow. Godly sorrow leads to repentance (Psalm 51:17; 2 Corinthians 7:10).
A Final Word
I wrestle with making this post public.
I have been transparent in counseling others and quick to point to God’s deliverance in my life—but not in a way for anyone and everyone to read.
I worry what people might think of me as a follower of Jesus, a husband, a man, and a pastor.
But I also want to obey what the Lord is pressing on my heart to share (Romans 2:29; Galatians 1:10).
My prayer is that you, too, would be honest about your current struggle—and that by bringing sin into the light, you would experience healing and freedom (James 5:16) as you confess to your Heavenly Father and to a trusted brother or sister in Christ.
Grow in Biblical Clarity and Spiritual Depth
Subscribe to receive thoughtful, Scripture-centered teaching designed to help you pursue holiness, understand God’s Word more deeply, and walk faithfully with Christ in everyday life.
Leave a Reply